Today I have the unfortunate burden of attending a funeral. It is the funeral of my girlfriend’s Aunt who passed away from Cancer (Obituary here). It was not unexpected but that doesn’t change the difficultly in dealing with a loss. Earlier last week I learned that a very close friend who lives in Calgary father had passed away as well (Obituary here). Again, not unexpected but the loss leaves an empty hole in the family. I spoke with this friend last night to extend my condolences and pay my respects as I was unable to fly out for the funeral. Thankfully two other of our friends were there to lend a shoulder to grieve upon. It was an interesting conversation and it definitely made me think. So much so that I am here writing you today.
My friend’s father had been in the hospital for the last little while. He shared some stories. Apparently his father was no longer able to swallow due to a stroke and the only way the hospital would be able to feed him is to force a tube into his stomach. Knowing that his father had suffered enough and knowing that it is very possible that he had no idea where he even was, he made the brave decision to make his father comfortable with a higher dose of morphine and let him pass on when he was ready.
My friend showed something that very few of us have, the ability to let go for the benefit of another. There is another family that was in the next room whose father has been dying of cancer for two years. He also can no longer eat and they decided to force the tube for him to eat. Only now his body is no longer absorbing the food and it is only making the father bloat. The hospital asked if they were prepared to let him go but they informed the hospital that they would be taking their father/husband to Mexico for some miracle cure. The hospital strongly recommends against it and I would ask them to read the story of Tyrell Dueck before buying any plane tickets. There are no guarantees in life and sometimes we have to let go and we are just too selfish. We can’t stand the thought of moving on without our loved ones. But what if we are prolonging their pain? Do we not owe it to them to make them comfortable and pass in a way they would have preferred? With dignity or pride? I know I do not want to be a burden to my family and have them grasp at straws to keep me alive. My girlfriend’s Aunt bravely decided to end treatment while she still had the mental capacity and was assured there was no cure, to die in her home surrounded by family. This was not easy for the family as a whole but they all accepted their mother’s choice and tried to make her last days on earth as comfortable and as happy as they could.
Loss is never easy. There is nothing worse than losing a loved one before you are ready. But it will happen to all of us. It is how we choose to deal with that loss that will determine how we move forward. By desperately searching for a miracle when the inevitable is your loved one will not be around much longer can leave you empty and remembering the way they were in their last days. I suggest a different approach. One that will be much harder at first but will help you remember them in the way you want to.
Gather your immediate family together for an afternoon or evening. Find as many home videos and photos as you possibly can before everyone is to come over. Cook some of the loved ones favorite foods and drinks. And when everyone arrives, celebrate his or her life. Share stories with each other about your favorite time with them. Some of your most precious memories. Things that they did that shows what kind of character they were and what affect they had on your life. Celebrate. I promise you will cry hard but you will all be there for each other. IT will be a hard night but the most important thing to remember and make sure that everyone there remembers is that the last thing on earth the person you lost would want, would be for you to wander around in constant sorrow. They want you to laugh, not cry. To look forward and not dwell. To live in honor of them since they can no longer be we with us. To make the most of your life and pursue your dreams. Live.
There is a great scene dealing with loss at the end of Tombstone with Doc Holiday (Val Kilmer) dying while he talks to Wyatt Earp (Kurt Russell). Right before Wyatt leaves Doc asks him to “Live Wyatt, live for me.†I invite you all who suffer tremendous loss to do the same. It is what they would have wanted. Live.
This article can also be viewed on Technorati at http://technorati.com/women/article/life-after-death/
